it can only get better..

things are worse than ever at home.. couldnt be any worse if im honest, they know now about my smoking and im not glad they know because i like the way i have little secrets from them, i like the way there is always an element of risk around me, but now its gone. "he is gonna do it regardless of what you lot say so stop ganging up on him" i love my dad.. more than anyone could imagine. my mum only cares but its too much, i dont want to be pampered, i want freeedom, let me do what i want let me go where i want. you just need to step away and let me live for a while..

the next couple of days will be hard.. all the shit i have gave you and now you find out this way.. im sorry i dont mean to be like this, but just take a step back and let me live.. nothing you do will change me.. you made me this way and now you will have to put up with it embrace me for who i am!

the life im living atm is jam packed, im always busy, either im out im at college im at a party im working or im in my room watching csi or blogging.. nothing else to my life.. just this! im drifting away from my family.. its not good, but if it brings me freedom then i dont mind for a while?

i think its time i go now.. may not be back for a while dont miss me too much, csi is calling me..... see you all soon! doubt i will be able to keep myself away

my mind

heres and insight into what i do and why:
i smoke to dissapoint people around me, therfore the ones who care will still be there
im cocky to hide my insecurity about my personality, therfore barely anyones knows the real me
i like hatred because it shows either the haters jelousy against me or insecurity about there own self, therfore showinng its not only me
im generous with everything that i have because you cant do no harm with giving, therfore im helping people which is what i love
im laid back all of the time as your averaged about 80something years in life and thats too short to care about most things
i hardly sleep because 1. i find it difficult as there is too much going on in my mind,2. i feel there is no need,3. there is more important things that should be done,4 i struggle to drift off and last but not least at night/morning (1 am onwards) is the only time im alone and peaceful which helps clear my head and enables me to think straightly
i let people cause me physical pain becausei cut out pain easily as i have unbelievable amounts of selfcontrol over my mind which enables me to channel and cut out the pain being inflicted
i class myself as shy beacause my self confidence is rock bottom, always has been with strangers.
and thats all i can think of atm i hope you enjoy your insight to my strange mind..

wondeful creations

poems are a wonderful creation
they start a revalation
within my mind
most are not too kind
they hurt
alot
wish it could be you that i forgot
but its not
my minds racing
i keep on pacing
your the one im chasing
but im too far behind
why cant we go back?
take a rewind
back to the old days
when we were close?
were drifting now
i want us together
but i dont know how
its impossible
us apart is inevitable
im too young to care?
but i do
its rare

we will never be the same

we will never be the same your just to hard to tame
its not you i blame
i love the way you came
and left your many flames
no silly games
i cant work out if im still sane?
as fragile as a window pane
thats how we are
this shouldnt go to far
thats me gone

same old me

same old me
feeling sorry for myself
i know its no good for my health
but what can i do?
there is only you
only you on my mind
your one of a kind
soo hard to find
some one like you
but thats irrelevent
but you feelings are not evident
it all started within a tent
im not your average gent
but its over now
and i dont know how
but this is enough
this was rather tough
im done
this was no where near fun
should i run?
or can i cope?
we can only hope
for us both
we will see
and so will he
i think its coming to an end
now you will only be my friend
but on the road of life there are many bends
people are not hard to mend

right about now

my life right about now isnt the best it has been tbf.. although i now know who is my friend and who isnt! since college life began i have realised who i can trust and who i cant.. the closest people! but still after all that my life isnt that good.. people believe i hate my life? i want to fail? i am pissing about? your all wrong. my life isnt the best but i dont hate it, there is many more lives out there worse than mine! i have mostly what i want, mostly what i need. one thing in life i want is to succeed, i dont want to fail anyone! but i haved failed many times and many people already. im not "pissing about" im only enjoying the life i have been blessed with, making the days as fun as possible, enjoying the time i have left on this beautifully fucked up planet! live how you want to live! and i will live how i want.. keeping it real and keeping as sane as possible but at the same time being insanely fucked up in a banterful way.. i fucking love it! and you know what if you are close to me you should love it to! no way im changing at any time in my life! in times of sadness you realise alot! the good and the bad.. but thats another blog for another time! bless you all who read this!

normality

what is normality? is it being socially accepted? or following the crowd? or just generally being nothing in life? in my eyes there is no normality.. there is what you make! there is no wierd as you do what you want to do.. doesnt make you wierd, doesnt make you normal just makes you, you! normaity is bollocks! its just based on people who dont like what you do.. same with wierdness?

nearly everyday i say "cba to do anything" but i always end up blogging, does that mean anything? i do not know.. but anyway best be off..au revoiur people!

murder

i dont know if this is just me that wonders this but anyway.. in my life.. watching csi throughout my whole life and many other crime related programs i have always wondered what it would feel like to murder someone? i want to know what it would make you feel? the adreneline? or whatever it brings.. i have always wondered, it doesnt make me phsycotic.. im not gonna go out and murder someone for the sake of wondering, its just my curiousity!

p.s BIG SHOUT OUT TO MA MAIN GALLY DEEDEE!

life!

people have alot of different perspectives on life.. some people think its about money some about love.. there is even some people that dedicate there life to god? but personally i have no dedication for my life.. i think life should be lived.. live it to the full doing whatever you wish and that is how i intend to live mine! if money comes my way money comes my way.. if love coems my way love comes my way, but at the end of the day im not gonna go out looking for these things! im gonna live.. and if these things come to me i will embrace them and take them on the chin! if these things were meant to be in my life they will be! they will somehow make there way in! so thats why  from now on i have decided im gonna live my life to the max! not a care in the world.. dont give a fuck about what anybody thinks cos im me no one will change that! always gonna be me the same old me and if you like it im glad if you dont, which i know there are many of you who dont, then thats fine with me dont talk to me

so what now?

confusion is a horrible feeling!.. you always seem to know what to say to make me smile.. everytime? i dont get it.. you say something that isnt even funny or cute or anything but i smile? its beyond me.. but what i do know is you say the cutest things ever and when you do i smile uncontrolably every single time...i want you.. im starting to need you!

anywayssssss aside from all that shit i would like to say i admire the fuck out of the people on dirty sanchez.. what a way to live your life so much banter would love to be one of them! fucked up shit but it is class fucking love em!

damn

im sorry it made you look like a cunt.. i didnt mean to? i didnt even think it made you look like anything.. it doesnt.. i told one story.. one little fucking story and you hate? nothing to it.. just a story.. no meaning behind it, just explaining what made my blogs so depressing that was it no intentions of anything else.. but you hate me? you wont even listen to what i have to say? ill probaly be forgotten tomorow.. meant nothing.. you really believe i would make you out to be a cunt to someone when i think the fucking world of you.. i fucking adore you! i think everything of you. more than that even and you think i would fucking make you a cunt.. giong out now.. dunno what time i will be back or what im doing but i will finish this later..

please at least give me the decency of at lease reading this? i love you

nothing is ever good enough

been a couple of days since ma last blooog and i feel obliged to write one now!

dont really know what to say today.. inspiration hasnt really been there lately.. but ill freestyle

soo on the bus home from college doing nothing my mind wondered as it always does.. started to think about what people deserve in life, people only deserve what they get.. if they dont get it then its not deserved!its obvious tbh if you get something in life then obviously you to deserve it as at the end of the day you get it? so that got my me thinking deeper as i always do think too deep. totally off subject anyways perserverence is such an uncommon word.. but my life is based on perserverence.. i have always, since i remember, been one to follow what i want and work extremly hard to get it but as time passes i realise that perseverence isnt always a good thing.. take for example a football.. a car? lets say i have a car it makes me happy yes i love the car but i cant supply it with what it needs.. i cant make it happy so at some point you have to let it go to a better owner who will make the car happy and will supply it with what it needs! i dont even know what im going on about now so i will take this oppurtunity to say byeeee.. see ya soon!

a perfect night!

cant thank you enough, it wasnt the best of nights but after being overly ill lieing with my head on your lap with you running your fingers through my hair and singing.. that was what i can call perfect.. WHY THE FUCK DID THE TAXI HAVE TO COME. i could of stayed there all night led on your lap..your voice so soothing.. beautiful

im ill

been a busy day for my blog today.. alot of things to write about and nothing good!

i feel ill knowing you will never be mine? phisacally ill.. something is missing from me. where did i go wrong? i suppose i was just stubborn.. couldnt face the facts that you were out of my leugue.. i knew this even before i started talking to you.. but i couldnt resist.. i beleived something could happen and as time went on i beleived something WOULD happen.. i think thats why this has got to me so much because i actually thought i would have a chance.. i would actually be in with a shot, but i guess not, i just wasnt enough for you wasnt what you wanted or wasnt good enough.. the kisses the hugs the phonecalls the texts the play arguements the wake up in the morning freezing cold in a tent but nothing mattered except i woke up next the the most beautiful girl alive! wasnt enough for you but fair enough. i shouldnt of let myself fall so easily so smoothly but i suppose things happen for a reason? i havent found out this reason yet. i bet your getting bored of me writing about you.. most of my blogs are about you anyway but hey.. i will try and stop now. doubt it will work

asnwers?

the way you avoid answering questions makes me wonder? i only need one simple answer and i will be gone from you.. but you dont give any answer, not a yes nor no.. what should i think?what shouldnt i think? i have no idea..

there isnt much i would like to change in my life.. but at the moment i just wish i could be evrything you want..

nothing i can do..

there is nothing i can do now.. you have made your decision and it wasnt me. you know how i feel you knew it anyway and didnt choose me.. i never did deserve the times i spent with you. i thank you for that atleast.. i just wish i could of done more.. suppose everything happens for a reason? maybe im just not good enough.. not what you wanted. never am what people want.. always a failure a fuck up and nothing changes.. the one thing that for the first time in ages is going right for me just suddenly fucks me up without a blink BANG and im back to the failure i always will be..i dont blame you if i were you i woulda got rid of me along time ago but you stuck by.. for a while.. and at the last minute you do what i would of expected but i was blinded by my own stupid imagination thinking something could of happend.. never been so wrong in my life.. but thats enough.. everything comes to an end unfortunatly.. and as long as you know as i dont know any better i do love you! i dont care what you say i do i believe i do so there it is..you will always be in my heart no matter what.. you know who you are! i love you...

only a few!

there is only a few people in my life who i can say i fully trust.. my trust doesnt get given out easily, but i would like to say you have my trust! and i cant thank you enough knowing your always going to be there for me! in whatever situation! you know who you are!

your not wrong

theres no right or wrong, just what you believe!

im loosing all sense

there isnt much you can do...

in life there is not alot that you can do.. life is based on decisions by other people and opinions. all you can do is be there no matter what and hope thats enough. nothing else you do will change anything its only about what they think of you and what they decide to do with you thats all that life is based on.. you try and live your life as well as you can but at the end of the day there will be that that time in your life where you want them to make the decision and for the answer to be you.. i think this is one of them times

my life..

im bored of this life im living! time for a change? i say that everytime but maybe it will work this time.. maybe its you that will change me? all i can do is wait and see.. watch my life change before my eyes..

the world is falling apart!

a long time ago there was no problems with the world! everything was fine.. but as times past things got bad, they changed, and now its at its worst! no one cares about anyone no one cares about anything there is 10 years olds getting pregnant? its not good. the world is falling apart!

but at the end of the day there is not much you can do about it, you just have to live your life the way you want to and that is what i plan to do! no care in the world for what people think about my way of living.. its my life i will live it however i wish! i just feel sorry for the world we live in.. we abuse so much that we have and yet no body cares and i admit i do it to! but noone will change so there is no point in trying im just gonna live my life exactly how i want and do whatever i wish!

no idea!

there is to much going on in my head, there is so much going on in my head i cant make sense of it all! i have no idea what to do with myself, i have no idea where to go and i have no idea what to say and finally i dont how to stop this. people who i used to be so close to now hate me? dont blame them tbf.. there is not much i can do now there is only a few people i have left and there the ones that mean the most! i dont fit in at home it doesnt feel right there.

madness!

a hectic weekend to say the least.. none of it seems clear to me except one thing! meeting you was not only the best thing thats happened to me in recent times but it also brang me back down to earth, it made me realise alot, but most of all the thing i realised most was that not only was this the first time ive met you in person but also how comftable i can be around you.. i know you dont care what you say and are comftable anywhere haha but for me to be that comftable on a first meeting was divine. there was not even an awkwardness between us its like ive known you for many years. it was strange but i loved every minute of it!

now ive got that off my chest its a mega relief.. but im dreading for when you read this! and i know you will read it.

is there anything real out there?

I would never of thought of making a blog, it was not on my to do list.. but last night i started talking to someone, someone who unusually is exactly the same as me in most ways! never before have i come across someone who let alone understands what i think on a day to day basis but also understands it and thinks exactly like me. After reading through this persons blog and talking it occured to me that maybe i should make one and after this person told me i should i decided why not...


there is not much in life that i can call "real" the feelings and emotions anybody comes across may not even be real themselves. think about it everything in life is made up.. these feelings and emotions are the product of a man/women that has nothing better to do before anyone knew any better he made them up he/she spread them round pretending they are real.. and as the human minds know no better they therfore beleive in them, and as the many thousands of years pass these manmade feelings and emotions end up being imprinted onto our brains and every persons beleives in them as they know no better